JamesSpratt.org

Quotes

Posted on the June 1st, 2003 under Political by jamesspratt

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These quotes are added occassionally. Send me some more, if you like.

‘Rosy’ is a euphemism for ‘fat’. — Kate Bretherton

A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. — Hugh Downs

A job done early is a job done twice.

A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men. — Willy Wonka

A ship in harbour is safe, but thats not what ships are built for. — William Shed

Ageing is better than the alternative.

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was in vanity. But the dreamers of the day are the dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes to make it possible. — T.E.Lawrence

Although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were. — A.A.Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.

Any time anyone says human beings are inherently superior to animals, I say, “Yeah? Well go try to sell a monkey a long distance service and see if he goes for it!” Even apes aren’t fooled by the bells and whistles; show a gorilla a hip, alternative banana along with a plain one, and he’ll still punch you in the nuts and take ‘em both.

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because its much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? — George Carlin

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. — Mickey Mouse

Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you’ll regret the things you didn’t do more than the ones you did. What you are is what you have been; what you will be is what you do now.

Be formless, shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle; it becomes the bottle. You put it into a teapot; it becomes the teapot. Water can flow, and it can crash. Be like water, my friend. — Bruce Lee

Be tough yet gentle; humble but bold; swayed always by beauty and truth.

Because the - all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There’s a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those - changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be - or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? — George W. Bush

Before you judge the younger generation remember who raised them.

Boiled eggs cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Bookshop owners, annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the ‘Fiction’ section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Brothers should pull up their pants. Some people might not want to see your underwear - I’m one of them. — Barack Obama

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. — Robert Frost

Censorship is telling a man he can’t have a steak just because a baby can’t chew it. — Mark Twain

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. — http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Come to the edge; its too high.
Come to the edge; we might fall.
Come to the edge, and they came
He pushed them, and they flew. — Guillaume Apollinaire

Computer games don’t affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation, we’d all run around in a dark room munching pills and listening to repetitive music.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso

Computers in the future may weigh no more than one and a half tonnes. — Popular Mechanics, 1949

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. — Oscar Wilde

Corruption + Innocence = Corruption

Dieters, buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Do or do not, there is no ‘try’. — Yoda

Do what will make you happy now, and what will make you happy 10 years from now.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. — Theodore Roosevelt

Don’t be so humble - you are not that great. — Golda Meir to a visiting diplomat

Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. — Howard Aiken, IBM engineer

Each place has its own advantages - heaven for the climate, and hell for the society. — Mark Twain

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Everyone who grew up in the 80s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

Everything that can be invented has been invented. — Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want. — Dan Stanford

Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. — George Santayana

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you. — Yoda

Fool everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly “Mmm! That was a lovely apple.” — http://www.viz.co.uk/

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.

For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And folks, this is unacceptable in America. It’s just unacceptable. And we’re going to do something about it. — George W. Bush

Forget committees. New, noble, world changing ideas have come from one person working alone. He who gains victory over other men is strong; but he who gains victory over himself is all powerful. — Lao Tzu

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

He had delusions of adequacy. — Walter Kerr

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. — Winston Churchill

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. — Billy Wilder

He is a self-made man and worships his creator. — John Bright

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. — Epictetus

He who angers you conquers you. — Elizabeth Kenny

How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese? — Charles De Gaulle

I am always right. — Kate Bretherton

I am at two with nature. — Woody Allen

I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts. — Mark Twain

I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection. — Sigmond Freud

I couldn’t imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah. — George W. Bush, 10.12.2001

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. — Mark Twain

I didn’t get spots until I met you. — Kate Bretherton

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. — Isaac Asimov

I don’t think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees. — George W. Bush

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying. — Woody Allen

I don’t mean to blow my own horn but, “beep beep”.

I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here. — Stephen Bishop

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. — Clarence Darrow

I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family. — George W. Bush

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. — George W. Bush

I only want two things in life: Everything. Now.

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in our own image. — Stephen Hawking

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy. — Frank Zappa

I think maps are pointless. — Kate Bretherton

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. — Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

I’m like a superhero, with no powers or motivation.

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

I’m the commander - see, I don’t need to explain - I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being president. — George W. Bush

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial. — Irvin S. Cobb

I’m not perfect because I’m humble.

I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it. I’m about to loose control and I think I like it.

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. — Maya Angelou

I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. — Michael Jordan

If I tell you I’m good, you would probably think I’m boasting. If I tell you I’m no good, you know I’m lying. — Bruce Lee

If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. — Woody Allen

If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator. — George W. Bush

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget ‘em, cause man, they’re gone.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. — http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it. — Pierre Gallois

If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. — Marie Osmond

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.

In three words I can sum up everything Ive learned about life: it goes on. — Robert Frost

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. — William G. McAdoo

Jargon allows us to camouflage intellectual poverty with verbal extravagance. — David Pratt

Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down.
— Charles F. Kettering, Engineer and Inventor

Know what you know and know what you don’t know.

Lady Astor: “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
Winston Churchill: “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” — Winston Churchill

Life is “trying things to see if they work”. — Ray Bradbury

Live amongst people in such a manner that if you die they weep over you and if you are alive they crave for your company. — Hazrat Ali Ibn-e-Abi Talib

Live as if you die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever. — Mahatma Gandhi

Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on. — Budd Schulberg

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. — Matt Groening

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.

Ma: “I think you’re getting fidgety”
Kate: “No, I just can’t sit still.”
— Kate Bretherton

Make no little plans, they have no magic to stir mens blood. — Daniel H. Burnham

Me: “That was a total waste of £4.”
Kate: “Indeed, how much was it?” — Kate Bretherton

Me: Stop giving up so easily.
Kate: I’m not, I just can’t be bothered.
— Kate Bretherton

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.

Men, when listening to your favourite music, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. — Woody Allen

Mornings are wonderful! The only drawback is that they come at such an inconvenient time of day. — Glen Cook, Sweet Silver Blues

Mother: Don’t you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]

Child [calmly]: Well, are you happy with yourself? — Union Square, NYC, overheard by Miranda

Motorists, avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. — Mark Twain

My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we’re going to run out of debt to retire. — George W. Bush

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. — Quentin Crisp

Never read a book through merely because you have begun it. — John Witherspoon

Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle. — Steinbach’s Guideline for Systems Programming

Never trust a man who when left alone with a tea cosy doesn’t try it on.

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched. — George Jean Nathan

No, I don’t know that Atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God. — George Bush, Snr.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards. — Oscar Wilde

Open-minded people must accept the possibility that being closed-minded is better. Close-minded people can take comfort in knowing that they are right.

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. — George W. Bush

Plot is character (your actions determine your character). — Aristotle

Poor Faulkner (William). Does he really think big emotions come from big words? — Ernest Hemingway

Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their feelings. — Mary Poppins

Pretend to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multi-pack bag into the big bag they came in, and eating them out of that. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution. — G.K.Chesterton

Public toilet users, when you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Quantity has a quality all of its own.

Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired. — Richard Kemph

Rappers, avoid having to say “know what I’m sayin’” all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning? — George W. Bush

Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. — Napoleon Bonaparte

Remember that happiness is a way of travel - not a destination. — Roy M. Goodman

Repetition is a form of change.

Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means. — Albert Einstein

Sleep as little as possible. Sleep is the cousin of death.

Smarties tubes pushed over cats’ legs make for a futuristic ’space cat’. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet’s tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde

Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Some people are very fond of thinking, but not very good at it.

Some people will believe anything if you whisper it to them.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. — Ambrose Bierce

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. — Winston Churchill

Sudoku lovers, solve your puzzles in seconds by going to http://sudoku.sourceforge.net, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the ’solve’ button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

Tell me, I’ll forget; involve me, I’ll understand.

The best way out is always through. — Robert Frost

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. — Mark Twain

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

The Future: It’s About Time — seen on a tshirt

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier. — Bill Gates

The greater the loyalty of a group toward the group, the greater is the motivation among the members to achieve the goals of the group, and the greater the probability that the group will achieve its goals. — Rensis Likert

The mountaineer returns to the hills because he remembers always that he has forgotton so much. — Geoffrey Winthrop Young

The next time you make an assumption, see what happens when you do the opposite.

The only way you can control people is to lie to them. — L. Ron Hubbard

The perfect bureaucrat everywhere is the man who manages to make no decisions and escape all responsibility. — Brooks Atkinson

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who do not possess it.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. — Bertrand Russell

The trouble with growing up is that you can’t run around naked as much.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

There are only two rules for being successful. One, figure out exactly what you want to do, and two, do it. — Mario Cuomo

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don’t know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president. — Kurt Vonnegut

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. — Ken Olson, president and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. — Josh Billings

There is no sin greater than ignorance. — Rudyard Kipling

There is one piece of advice, in a life of study, which I think no one will object to; and that is, every now and then to be completely idle - to do nothing at all. — Sydney Smith

There’s an old saying in Tennessee - I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can’t get fooled again. — George W. Bush

This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. — Western Union internal memo, 1876

This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating. — George W. Bush

To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. — Elbert Hubbard

To gain that which is worth have, it may be necessary to lose everything else. — Bernadette Delvin

Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many Ob-Gyns aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country. — George W. Bush

Tourettes sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting ‘fuck’, ‘cunt’ and ‘wanker’ with ‘poppycock’, ‘fiddlesticks’ and ‘balderdash’ to recreate an authentic Victorian experience. — http://www.viz.co.uk/

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

Trick spiders into thinking they have caught a fly by flicking cigarette ash into cobwebs. —  http://www.viz.co.uk/

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. — Mark Twain

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s just the opposite. — John Kenneth Galbraith

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit. — Aristotle

We boil at different degrees.

We cannot let terrorists stop us from shopping. — George W. Bush, 12.09.2001

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. — George Bernard Shaw

We need an energy bill that encourages consumption. — George W. Bush

We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease. — George W. Bush, Gothenburg, Sweden, 14.06,2001

What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. — Goethe

Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame. — Ben Franklin

Whatever you are, be a good one. — Abraham Lincoln

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect. — Mark Twain

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. — Confucius

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? — H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? — Mark Twain

Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users? — Clifford Stoll

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. — Plato

You can’t have an active mind in an inactive body. — Patton

You find good people on bad roads. — D. Joubert, Botswana

You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror. — George W. Bush, 06.09.2006

Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst. — Henri Cartier-Bresson

Your life at this very moment is a product of your choices and decisions.

[rejecting the Beatles]: “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” — Decca Recording Co., 1962

[to Brazilian President Cardoso] Do you have blacks too? — George W. Bush

[When asked to describe radio]: You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. — Albert Einstein