JAMES SPRATT .org

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I’ve never claimed to be the most tolerant of people. The following things persistently get my goat.

Last update: 07.03.2009.

1. Small talk. Say something interesting or enjoy the silence.
2. ‘Child on Board’ signs in cars.
3. Those who say “haitch” instead of “aitch”.
4. Those who say “almonds” without a silent ‘l’.
5. Those who are offended by swear words. They are only words.
6. Those who say “expresso” instead of “espresso”.
7. Whistling. Wolf whistles are ok as there’s a purpose to them; but aimless, tuneless whistling is unfathomable.
8. Those who feed pigeons, therefore keeping the varmint populous. Ken was right there too.
9. Those who use an acronym regularly without taking the time to find out what they stand for. Top tip: Acronym Finder.
10. Those who ask the time whilst they’re sittng in front of their computer – it’s right there in front of you.
11. People who ask bone questions. Top tip: Google.
12. People who use cutlery knives as if they’re some kind of writing implement. For some obscure reason this group of people always think they have impeccable table manners.
13. People who drive slowly. Especially those who hang behind me when I’m cycling because they can’t work out the dimensions of their car.
14. Push-chairs in non-push chair areas. They get in the way, they’re lazy and carrying the baby is better for you both.
15. Dummies/ pacifiers.
16. John Prescott.
17. Sandwiches cut at right angles.
18. Sultanas/ currants in savoury food.
19. Western beggars. Stop kidding yourself. There’s no excuse. Get a job. And a haircut.
20. Waiters who persistently try and take the chutneys away at Indian restaurants. I need them for the duration of my meal.
21. And waiters who take plates away while other people are still eating.
22. People who talk during movies, home or cinema.
23. The Mail and The Express newspapers and their circulation.
24. Bitten or badly cut nails.
25. George W. Bush, obviously.
26. Obese people.
27. Obese pets.
28. People who don’t cross out the completed words’ clues when doing crosswords.
29. People who put burnt matchsticks back in the box…
30. …or sweet wrappers back in the packet.
31. People who aren’t forthcoming in getting their round in. You know who you are.
32. The speed of the average pedestrian.
33. People who are obsessed with writing lists. See what I did there.
34. Mariah Carey.
35. Men who tuck their ties in.
36. Tie clips.
37. Women doing their make-up or brushing their hair in public, surely it kind of defeats the purpose.
38. People who put their feet on your bar-stool.
39. Grubby mitts on my monitor.
40. Eating with your mouth open.
41. Women in suits but also wearing trainers. It looks ridiculous.
42. Pen-clickers.
43. Pen/pencil-biters.
44. Eamon Holmes.
45. Vanessa Feltz.
46. Angela Rippon.
47. Andie MacDowell.
48. Electric hand-driers.
49. Big Brother.
50. The outrageous wastage inherent to the civil service.
51. Heat, Closer, Hello, OK and Now magazines.
52. Doggy-doo-doos left anywhere that the public might go.
53. ‘Ms’. Get off the fence.
54. Women who try to conceal their year of birth. It’s got nothing to do with being a laaaydy.
55. Short-sleeved work shirts.
56. The modern version of R’n'B.
57. Fake ‘smarties’ on my gingerbreadmen.
58. Comic Sans.
59. People who pull the hand-brake on without depressing the button.
60. Middle fricking England.